Thursday, January 22, 2009

Alces Alces (Moose)

I now have a greater appreciation of those who authorized the first moose season. Their foresight was unbelievable in its wisdom. How could any have foreseen the need to reduce green house gases way back when Christ was the proverbial corporal? Even before wheeled contrivances? Simply incredible.

It seems Alces Alces (moose in geek speak) is one of those insidious creatures that contribute to global warming. (And, I bet you thought it was just too many Suburbans and Hummers that created this . . . contrived . . . crisis termed global warming.)

The noble; ugly; homely; walking sausage, roast, moose burger, steak and darn good eating (!) moose burps and explosive expulsions from the southern end of a north bound moose expels 4,230 lbs of green house gases into the atmosphere yearly.

Of course, this is in violation of the Kyoto Accords, which require countries to reduce their greenhouse gas emissions or pay penalties for their violation of same.

Alces Alces has joined the reprehensible bovine emitters of green house gas as a targeted source of forbidden emissions.

The bovine population is easily controlled through market forces. Given that the bovine is a domesticated animal, and as vegetarians proliferate, the demand for hamburgers, steaks and hotdogs dwindles accordingly, thereby resulting in a market induced reduction in bovine greenhouse gas emissions. As corduroy comes back into vogue, leather demand will fall. These two forces combine to mean fewer bovines.

We all know from a previous lesson how bovine greenhouse emissions are measured. There are strange folks who either bag the head of the animalBwhich on the surface seems to be a situation of diminishing returns, because the bag needs to be airtight to capture the gases burped up, and there=s only so much air in the bagBwell, anyway they get it done. The other method is to stick a probe . . . nah. We won=t go there. That others do and get paid for it, well, let=s just say that sometimes it=s just a slow day in the big city and guy=s gotta do what a guy, or gal, has to do. (Yuck.)

Given that, one has to wonder who in their cotton picking mind would try that with a 1200 lb moose? Even tranquilized, the animal will remember and hunt you down and stomp you into goo.

Of course, it was the Norgies (pronounced norgees) who first discovered that Alces Alces (moose) are such gross emitters of green house gases (flatulence) that they are to be considered for . . . reduction in numbers through termination with extreme prejudice during a defined period of the year for a limited number of days. Otherwise known as hunting season.
Kind of makes you wonder what passes for a good time in Norgie land, given the methodology used to determine the emissions from said Alces Alces. . . .

Lars Norgie and his ilk (and, please no whining about picking on Norgies!) will don their red orange safety vests and take to the woods with their large caliber hunting rifles and terminate about 35,000 Alces Alces, thereby doing their part to reduce green house gas emissions. Not to mention also filling their larders with moose meat.

In Norgie land, they expect to kill about 35,000 of the offensive, polluting beasts this season.

I wonder if the argument for hunting being an environmentally friendly activity will carry any weight with the greenies? Why, I bet anti-hunting advocates never realized the harm to the environment being done my the greenhouse gas emissions of Alces-Alces. Hunters are doing their part to preserve the environment.

Know ye, noble moose hunters that you will be doing the King's work in reducing the numbers of the moose population, thereby reducing greenhouse emissions to boot. Future generations who will have escaped the ravages of global warming will hold your noble efforts in high esteem.

What I am awaiting is the study on bears. That is one study I where I want to see the video on the methodology used. I can see it now.

"Here griz", calls the guy in the biohazard suit as he/she approaches with a big baggie with a tie wrap for the north end, and a stainless steel probe for the southern end. Man, I bet that gets ugly real quick! As they say on the news, film at 6.

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